Spanking for Beginners – My Top 10 Tips

Do you like the idea of spanking or being spanked. Either way it can be a lot of fun! Check out these easy to follow tips and advice to make it as sexy and erotic as possible…

Spanking for beginners can be one of two things:

1. A sexy way to have fun with your lover
2. A painful or embarrassing experiment that you never try again!

Personally, I really enjoy spanking a lady’s ass. Especially if it’s slightly chubby, so it wobbles as I spank it :-). Spanking can be great fun, it feels naughty, sexy and kinky all at the same time. So if you want to add spanking to your repertoire of sexual activities check out my ten top tips:

Who’s doing what? – Decide who wants to spank and who wants to be spanked. OK, this one is pretty damned obvious but still don’t make any assumptions. You never know what sexual desires could be lurking deep within your partner! If you are both beginners, perhaps you should each try both roles and see who prefers doing what?

Get in the mood – Spanking is best done when in the right mood. Sometimes soft, gentle, cuddly sex is right for the moment but on other occasions harder, kinkier, dirtier sex is much more fun. Pick the right time and use fantasy, naughty texts, role plays and whatever else you fancy to help get you in the right frame of mind for giving it a go.

Create a safety word – Some people like to say no when they mean yes during spanking. It’s part of the fun of being dominated, but this can cause obvious problems if you’re not careful. How will the spanker know when to stop if he or she has been told to ignore words like “no” or “please stop”? This is where the safety word comes in. Pick a word that will stand out and immediately tell your lover that you have had enough.

Massage oil – This is a personal favorite of mine. Massaging some sort of oil into a butt before it gets spanked is great fun. It makes the spanks sound and feel better plus in my opinion an oily butt often looks better than one without a shine to it.

Picking the sweet spot – This takes practice and every cheek is different. Start off gently and try to find the fleshiest, curviest bit of the butt to spank. You will know you have found it, as it will feel great when you strike it.

The perfect spank – Again this takes practice and you need to aim for the sweet spot (see above). As you try spanking, some strikes will feel really great, something about the timing of the motion and how your hand meets the ass will be just perfect and both you and your partner will know it’s a good one!

Rhythm – Experiment with varying the rhythm, from slow and steady to sharp and fast. Try various tempos and see what reaction you get from the person you are spanking.

Build the intensity – Start off slowly and gently. As blood starts to flow to the person’s ass their pain threshold will go up slightly. So once you have warmed them up you can go harder and faster without hurting them (too much 😉 ).

From cheek to cheek – Don’t just hit the one spot again and again. Swap from cheek to cheek and work your hand all around the fleshy area. If you just concentrate on one area for too long the pain will very quickly get too much!

Spanking paddles – From the perspective of the spanker they stop your hand from getting sore and allow you to use more power in your spanking. From the perspective of being spanked if you like it hard then your need to make sure you’re being spanked with a paddle!

Interesting spanking fact: Experiencing sensations of pain releases feel good hormones into the body. So by pushing your boundaries and getting a good hard spanking you are likely to have much more intense orgasms.

There you go, some tips about spanking for noobies. We have a whole community of sexy people sharing tips and advice on sex, spanking and fantasies. You can join (for free) here and get involved in the fun…

Have a good one!
PS – Click here to buy the perfect spanking paddle and browse our huge range of sex toys…

Reading a Woman’s Signals…

Most women communicate a lot with non-verbal signals like body language and eye contact. Once you crack this code you can learn what she really wants and then take her sexy pleasure up to a whole new level…

She’s Telling You What She Wants!

If you are a man reading this you need to learn one very important thing about women.

Women are much better at (and often prefer) non-verbal communication to verbal.

What do I mean by this? Women are very skilled at communicating without speaking. They are much more likely than men to communicate this way and because of this are much better than men at doing so.

Ladies, if you disagree with this just think for a moment. How many times have you sat waiting for a guy to kiss you, thinking you are making it stupidly obvious but he doesn’t make a move? Do you think that same guy would hesitate if you said, “kiss me”? Probably not!

There is a long and complicated evolutionary theory for all this that I might blog about if there is enough interest. (Let me know in the comments section below if you are interested?)… But for the sake of this argument just accept that women communicate using non-verbal signals A LOT.

Another point worth bearing in mind, relates to the point above, women sometimes forget or aren’t aware that men aren’t great at reading their signals. This leads to all sorts of confusion and miscommunication.
Think about this one for a while, it could help you out with the opposite sex in ALL aspects of your life!

What has all this got to do with sex?

Most men have very simple needs, but for women it is different. Women are complicated and have wide a range of sexual needs and desires. They all have different needs. Even the same woman will have different needs depending on what day it is. All this can make it tricky for a man who wants to satisfy one or more women!

To make it even more complicated a lot of women have this ideal fantasy of a man knowing exactly what to do to please her without needing any help or advice? Yes fellas, this is annoying and makes it even harder to learn how to turn a woman on! (You gotta love ’em though…Right? 😉)

So, the secret to learning how to turn your woman on and the secret to being the guy “that just knows what to do” is simple, powerful and very effective:

Get very good at reading her non-verbal signals

  • Watch her body
  • Listen to the noises she makes
  • Keep an eye on her breathing
  • See if her skin is flushed
  • Check to see if her pupils are dilated (wide open)

Important note number one
Not all of these signals are always accurate, especially things like the size of her pupils or if her skin is flushed. BUT if you watch all of these when you are with her you will get the picture of how she is feeling.

As you practice this with one or more women, you will get a sixth sense for it. You will notice and react to any changes in her body and you will be able to use this sense to increase the amount of pleasure you give her.

Important note number two
Don’t act like some crazy scientist studying a creature from outer space! Don’t spend all your time obsessively watching every move she makes! Instead just become aware of the signals she is giving you and use them to change the way you touch her.

As you get good at this, you will be able to read all sorts from her:

  • What she likes
  • What she doesn’t like
  • What speed she likes
  • What pressure she likes

And that’s just the start, the better you get at reading her body, the more you will be able to get out of it. Not only will you be a much better lover but you will also be able to create a deeper emotional bond with the women you sleep with. She will feel more understood, more satisfied and happier with her love life. One thing I’ve learnt over time is that the happier a woman is with her sex life the more sex she wants…!

Ladies – I would love to hear your thoughts and comments below.
Guys – Hit me up with any questions or thoughts.

(All you need to do is post your comments in the box below, it will go live once its approved).

BTW if you haven’t joined our free sexy community – do it now… It rocks and you’ll love it!

Have a good one!
PS – You might want to check out this post on how to last longer and this one on how to use the deep spot to blow any woman’s mind…

Why Don’t Men Listen??? Grrrrrrrr…!!!

Some men just don’t listen and it really annoys me! If a guys wants to know how to really turn me on, all he has to do is listen to what I tell him….IT THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK???

Ladies, is it just me or do some men NEVER listen..???

(Men – You need to read this post because you could be making this mistake!)

Jack and I had a conversation last week and he said something like this…

‘Women don’t help themselves by faking orgasms and they don’t help men by not communicating enough. Women have this unrealistic fantasy that men should automatically know what a woman desires. Even for a skilled, experienced man this can be very difficult. Not only do all women have different physical needs, the same woman can have different needs on different days!’

Jack’s right. Well, I agree with him to a certain extent, we are more complicated than men and our needs can vary from day to day. Faking orgasms is dumb and doesn’t help anybody. In reality most of us girls do have a fantasy of our man knowing instinctively what to do (instead of being told what to do). This can also be a turn off for a lot of women, having to explain what their likes and dislikes are.

This isn’t the whole picture. Some guys in my experience just don’t listen… I can tell some men (usually nice men) until I’m blue in the face that ‘ I like it this way’ or ‘spank me more’ but they just don’t take heed. After repeating myself like a broken record, I have to stop asking because all the repetition is not good for me. They either forget, are not really listening to me or they don’t want to do it.

I end up asking myself ‘Why don’t they want to do it? Am I perverted for wanting this?’

Of course I’m not perverted (well maybe slightly tee-hee 😉 ), we are all entitled to like what we like and should be able to freely express our desires without being made to feel bad (naughty yes!) for what we like.

So, what can be done about this?

Ladies, if your man doesn’t listen when you tell him what to do in the bedroom you have four options:

  • Put up with it.
  • Cheat (not recommended).
  • Leave him (not ideal).
  • Email this blog to him and give him a serious kick up the ass!

If you are a man reading this, you need to honestly ask yourself this question “Am I this guy? Do I listen to my girl and give her what she wants?” or “Do I live in a fake world of denial where I am the best lover she has ever had?” (When in reality the sex you are providing does not reach the level she requires?). If this could be you, then you need to change, you need to start listening and you need to take action before you lose your lady!

If you would like to learn some new skills, get some great ideas for your sex life and share some of your own sexual experiences then join our free community here!


Internet Dating …

Dating people on the internet can be great fun or it can be a huge nightmare. It all depends on the site, the people on the site and how many lies they telll..!?!

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly!

Over the years I have spent a lot of time on internet dating sites (both normal and naughty). I have found most men fall into two categories. They either ‘get it’ or ‘don’t get it’ when writing profiles and chatting. The guy’s that get it at the very least have “normal” profiles and send “normal” messages. The ones that don’t “get it” have weak, lame or ridiculous profiles and send rude or badly written messages.

Side note – Sometimes I do chat to the guys that “don’t get it” because they have one shining quality like a cute smile or send me a funny email. But as a general rule the guys that “don’t get it” either get ignored or blocked.

Before we go any further, I don’t want this to be a man hating rant. I love men and I want more of you guys to get it. So if you make any of the mistakes below my hope is that you will change from being one of the guys that “don’t get” it to one of the guys that do “get it” and then you really will “get it”! Pun intended 😉

The men that “get it” who I speak with on the internet are sexy, funny, flirty, respectful and interesting. They don’t push me, get clingy or show signs of jealousy.

The men that “don’t get it” that I speak with are aggressive, sleazy, needy, pushy, manipulative, pathetic, angry idiots. While I’m at it what is it with the cock pics and flashy sports car profile pictures?

To any of you men out there that would like to increase your pulling power on the web, check out my lists below of the most common things I have noticed both good and bad in my time dating on the internet.

The top mistakes men make

  • Lying, lies and liars! Don’t say you’re a non-smoker when you obviously are, or you’re 6ft when you’re really 5”10. Because when women find out the truth all their respect for you is lost.
  • Aggression turns women off. Why do some men think that by trying to bully a woman into a date that they will accept?
  • Being too forward. Women don’t like men telling them how they want to fuck their tight little pussy, ETC. When a.) How do they know the woman even wants this? and b.) How do they know it’s tight and c.) This is not a good starting conversation – so don’t do it! (There is a time and place for this…Learn it!)
  • Not spelling/writing correctly and using too many abbreviations. This is not cool.
  • Not listening. When someone says ‘I am not interested’ then listen. Do not take that as a challenge.
  • Taking rejection personally is just wrong. Move on and get over it. People are entitled to their own opinion.
  • Either one word messages like ‘Hi’ or stupidly long messages to plough through. Both of them bore women.
  • Stalking worries women. Don’t try interacting with someone the minute they come online, it’s freaky.
  • Fake photos, or pictures of cocks, naked bodies, grotty underpants or flash sports cars. Ask yourself… What are you trying to achieve?
  • Obvious copy and pasting does not make a woman feel special.
  • Receiving one email and then presuming the lady will jump straight into bed with you. This rarely happens.
  • Starting live chat before you have even messaged or emailed the poor girl.
  • Stop yourself from making too many ‘you’re beautiful’ comments, declaring your undying love or offering to spend money on a hook up.
  • Treating the lady like she is a real princess does not work either (unless she is a little diva in which case do you really want to date her???).

What catches a woman’s interest?

  • Honesty is always the best policy.
  • Gentle flirting while you get to know someone is exciting.
  • Being funny is always good. Even if she chooses not to date you, she will still like you.
  • Letting conversation flow naturally lets the lady feel at ease, with no pressure on her she is morel likely to feel sexy and attractive.
  • Keeping a woman intrigued keeps her replying to your emails and her wanting to find out more about you.
  • Good writing is sexy, fun and lets the woman you are trying to date see that you have some intelligence.
  • Read the woman’s profile before you interact with her. It gives you a good head start and shows you are genuinely interested.
  • A short, interesting email written just for the lady you are emailing.
  • A clear picture showing your face is the best sort of profile picture.
  • A good profile showing who you are and what you are into.
  • Keep the vibe chilled out and laid back… Have fun.

For some men there is no hope, they should be banned from the internet, confined to wanking and be charged triple by the working girls that have to put up with them. 😉

For the men that are just a bit useless then there is some hope. Learn about women, treat them with the respect that they desire but don’t put them on a pedestal.

Join our community to chat with real women who will help you and advise you as much as possible. Leave your comments below and ladies please tell me what I have missed off the list.

PS – Here are some good tips to help you stay safe online!

Sexual Behavior

There is a lot of bullshit passed around Western society about sex. It is hypocritical, it is unfair and it causes all sorts of unnecessary negative consequences for all genders and sexual orientations. We all need to speak up more about this to make the world a better place…

Moral Judgement and Immoral Hypocrisy

A common theme of this blog is the judgment by society on an individual’s sexual desires and behaviors. Again and again I see people not enjoying their bodies in the way they would like to, due to fear of being judged by friends, family, partners or even strangers!

The other day Lola and I were chatting about this and she admitted there were some of her fantasies that she would be embarrassed about if some of her friends knew what they were because they were quite extreme in nature.

What struck me was that if such a confident and sexually open lady as Lola was wary of talking about this then how many other women out there had similar fantasies and were too scared of being judged to talk about it honestly and openly with their friends?

What I realized is, this gets right to the core of Secret Erotica and what we are trying to do with our blog, articles and community. We want to strip away as much of this judgment and BS from people’s minds by creating an open space for people to express themselves without fear or judgment. Let me just make this very clear…

We believe if a person gets turned on by the an extreme fantasy, no one in society has the right to judge him or her for that.

We also believe that no one person has the right to judge anyone else for their sexual desires or behavior unless it causes someone else pain or suffering (with the obvious BDSM exceptions).

There are two reasons why, in my opinion, people and society should keep their judgments to themselves over most of the sexual behavior of other people.

Firstly from a moral perspective, no one person’s opinion is more important than anybody else’s and we don’t have the right to judge each other. If we want to live in a society where we are allowed to enjoy our own sex lives without judgment then we have to pay other people the same level of respect! Irrespective of how we feel about whatever they chose to do, we owe them the same privileges that we expect for our selves.

A side note of the legal stuff – Please keep it legal! Behaving within the laws of the country you are in whilst engaging in our community is an important rule of your membership. BUT that doesn’t necessarily mean we agree with those laws. For example some Middle Eastern countries have laws about sex such as no kissing in public, which we find both oppressive and immoral. However, if you live there you must obey the law or suffer the consequences. The one boundary we set very firmly is we will not allow any content regarding adults having sex with children. If we observe anything like this the participants will be reported to the police and then banned from our website.

The second point about judging other peoples sexual desires and behavior is that it is nearly always hypocritical. We all have some weird little fetishes, fantasies or desires that turn us on. I have never met anyone who doesn’t get turned on by something that they wouldn’t want anyone else to know about. Let’s be honest here for a second… Have you ever wondered that the people who shout about this most are the ones with something to hide?

This question brings up something called “Gertrude’s Law” which tells us that the people who shout the loudest are the one’s with the most to hide. It comes from the classic Shakespearean quote:

“The lady doth protest too much, methinks”

As an example think of this law being observed in action think of a politician who preaches about family values and then gets caught in a brothel with his trousers down!

Again I want to make something very clear here…

Everyone has sexual secrets and things they wish to be kept private and as such they should keep their noses out of other peoples business!

BUT… There are limits. Secret Erotica is an open-minded adult community and as such has to make as many people as possible feel welcome, safe and happy. If your particular sexual preference is on the more extreme end of the scale we will create special groups for you and your friends to enjoy without fear or upsetting anyone. If on the other hand you swim in the more vanilla end of the sexy pool, you will also find groups where you will happily fit in.

For more information on our community rules and guidelines – click here.

As owners of this site, we have to balance freedom of expression, keeping our members within the laws of their country and making it a place where people can have a really fun time without being upset or upsetting anyone else.

This is a difficult process, we don’t expect to always get it right, but we will try very hard to do so. Your questions, comments, suggestions, complaints and support are all very welcome either using the comment box below, by contacting us here, or by starting a conversation within the community.

I’m going to finish this post on a positive note:

Humanity is awesome,
Sex is awesome,
YOU are awesome!

Have a good one!

Info on feminism and free speech here.